


No More Game, No More Adventure, Just This

by mythicalquill



Category: Amnesty - Fandom, TAZ - Fandom, The Adventure Zone (Podcast)
Genre: AU, Fluff, Gen, Group chat, Texting, The Hornets - Freeform, chatfic, it's just happy!!
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-06-30
Updated: 2019-07-30
Packaged: 2020-05-30 23:28:54
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 4
Words: 6,925
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19413673
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/mythicalquill/pseuds/mythicalquill
Summary: theladyflameaddedskaterboi,minnie mouse,Squatch Boy,dani reVamped,C00LIC3,Casper,Sharkesian, andbees??to the chat.theladyflamerenamed the chat “Kepler’s Koolest Kids”theladyflame: welcome, my friends, to the official apartment group chat.





	1. tonight I will EAT FRENCH ONION SOUP and WATCH THE VOICE

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for reading, and shoutout to @duckwellfucknewton on tumblr who gave me some nickname inspiration!  
> (Also, sorry for the goofy title)

**theladyflame** added **skaterboi** , **minnie mouse** , **Squatch Boy** , **dani reVamped** , **C00LIC3** , **Casper** , **Sharkesian** , and **bees??** to the chat.

 **theladyflame** renamed the chat “ **Kepler’s Koolest Kids** ”

 **theladyflame** : welcome, my friends, to the official apartment group chat. we are sadly missing a few cuz I couldn’t explain to Mrs. Pearson how to use her cell phone, and Beacon doesn’t have hands. 

**skaterboi** : Thank god for that. He’d be hell on Twitter

 **Casper** : Aubrey, I don’t understand my name?

 **theladyflame** : oh sorry moira, it’s a ghost joke

 **theladyflame** : you can change it if you want

 **minnie mouse** : AUBREY LITTLE, I TOO DO NOT UNDERSTAND YOUR EARTHLY POPULAR CULTURE REFERENCES. MY VIRTUAL TITLE APPEARS TO BE THAT OF A RODENT. 

**theladyflame** : my genius is clearly wasted on all of you

 **skaterboi** : Can someone help Minerva figure out her caps lock? 

**bees??** : i think that might be a lost cause. 

**skaterboi** : ...why is hollis in this chat again? They don’t even live here?

 **bees??** : i DO what i WANT

 **C00LIC3** : don’t try to control me DAD

 **C00LIC3** : btw aubs why is my name just my name w/ #s added

 **dani reVamped** : you’re just too cool jake

 **theladyflame** : ^^^

 **theladyflame** : it was because your name is too radical for me to alter

 **C00LIC3** : thanks i chose it myself

 **Sharkesian** : Thank you for putting this chat together, Aubrey. I was wondering what everyone wanted for dinner? I’m just about finished here at the store.

 **C00LIC3** : can you get some pepperoni pizza from pizza hut?

 **minnie mouse** : I WOULD BE PLEASED TO PARTAKE IN THAT CHEESY EARTH FOOD AS WELL. UNRELATED, WOULD ANYONE CARE TO JOIN ME FOR AN EPISODE OF THE VOICE? SEASON FINALE TONIGHT. I AM EXCITED TO HEAR WHO WILL WIN THIS NON-LETHAL SHOW OF GAMES. 

**skaterboi** : Now, y’all, we should be supporting our local businesses, specifically our friendly local grocers. No Pizza Hut.

 **skaterboi** : … But yes Minerva, I will watch the Voice with you.

 **dani reVamped** : count me in too

 **theladyflame** : ^^^^

 **Squatch Boy** : Leo, how about some soup? If you pick up the ingredients, I can have it ready in no time. 

**skaterboi** : May I suggest: French Onion?

 **theladyflame** : duck you say that _every time_

 **skaterboi** : It’s not my fault I have impeccable taste and a world-shattering recipe for this classic meal

 **Squatch Boy** : French onion is fine. I’ll make sure to do a vegan and vegetarian option too.

 **Sharkesian** : Thanks Barclay, ‘preciate it. 

**Casper** : If you could figure out an incorporeal option one of these days…

 **Sharkesian** : Hollis? You and your rowdy boys joining us tonight? Need to know how much 2 pick up. 

**bees??** : i’ll check with keith. last time though, tim got food poisoning, so he might not be up for it

 **C00LIC3** : holly for the fiftieth time, that wasn’t food poisoning. tim is clearly lactose intolerant open your eyes

 **Squatch Boy** : I have to agree with Jake, that was a pretty dairy-heavy meal and everyone else seemed fine. 

**minnie mouse** : IT IS TRULY TRAGIC HOW THE BODIES OF SOME MEMBERS OF THE HUMAN SPECIES ARE NOT EQUIPPED TO HANDLE YOUR BASIC FORMS OF SUSTENANCE. NOTHING OF THE SORT WOULD BEFALL MY CHOSEN. 

**skaterboi** : Minerva please do not open a wormhole in Tim’s head so that he can drink milk

 **Sharkesian** : ^^^

 **bees??** : well in that case count us in

**skaterboi** : Hey Aubrey, I’ve been meaning to talk to you. Harris Bonkers has been terrorizing Steven again. 

**theladyflame** : im sorry, who?

 **skaterboi** : Steven, my cat, I know I haven’t mentioned him in like a year. He’s still here.

 **theladyflame** : no, _who_ is terrorizing steven?

 **Sharkesian** : Bonkers? Isn’t that your rabbit?

 **theladyflame** : oh! _doctor_ harris bonkers!

 **dani reVamped** : (phd)

 **theladyflame** : phd!

 **skaterboi** : That’s the one. I think it’s the red eyes scaring the cat. Honestly, creeps me out a bit too. 

**dani reVamped** : … 

**C00LIC3** : …… 

**theladyflame** : say that to my face duck newton

 **bees??** : …

 **bees??** : its been five minutes ...is duck dead?

 **theladyflame** : no but he’s taking Dr. Harris Bonkers PhD on a walk as penance.

**skaterboi** : Hello friends subduct Newton’s it is I, baking, savior of earth in the most powder full weapon ever devised.

 **Squatch Boy** : Duck, you good?

 **skaterboi** : Ah Carplay. I am better than good, I am eggs quizlet. I am bitching for battle. 

**theladyflame** : okay…? 

**skaterboi** : I’m sorry everyone, I left for twenty minutes and Beacon figured out text to speech. I can’t for the life of me figure out how, but now he’s back with the coffee mugs. 

**theladyflame** : #freebeacon2019 

**dani reVamped** : ^^^

 **minnie mouse** : DUCK NEWTON I MUST REALLY ASK YOU NOT TO STOW YOUR CHOSEN WEAPON AMIDST YOUR COLLECTION OF CERAMIC CUPS.

 **skaterboi** : I don’t think he minds it, but if you care so much @Aubrey, he can sleep on the couch with you tonight. 

**Sharkesian** : …Does Beacon sleep?

 **skaterboi** : … 

**skaterboi** : He says no. That could just be him trying to look cool

 **C00LIC3** : justice never sleeps… and NEITHER does BEACON

 **theladyflame** : hey uh how could you tell though? does he have eyes?

 **skaterboi** : Okay this conversation is starting to disturb me let’s change the subject

**C00LIC3** : @bees?? are yall almost here? barclay says the soup is done

 **bees??** : on our way up; bevin forgot his new therapy doll so we had to go back

 **theladyflame** : I still feel bad for lying about doing that but I’m glad he figured something out

 **bees??** : i’m pretty sure he made the doll himself but it’s still kind of cute, in a coraline kinda way

 **minnie mouse** : DUCK NEWTON, IS THIS ANOTHER POPULAR CULTURE REFERENCE?

 **skaterboi** : Yup, I’ll add it to the movie night list. You’ll like this one, it’s got a portal-thing to another world. 

**theladyflame** : but not before we watch more parks & rec!!

 **dani reVamped** : and twilight, I want to understand all the vampire jokes aubrey keeps making

 **dani reVamped** : i don’t sparkle??

 **theladyflame** : oh babe, so naive,, 

**Squatch Boy** : Dinner is served!

 **C00LIC3** : YEET

 **Sharkesian** : Smells delicious, Barclay!

 **theladyflame** : praise our lord bigfoot, this tastes incredible

 **skaterboi** : Everyone get off your phones it’s impolite to the chef

 **Squatch Boy** : I don’t mind, really.

 **skaterboi** : Okay, get off your phones, it’s impolite to the _soup_

 **minnie mouse** : THE VOICE IS STARTING. WE MUST FOCUS OUR ATTENTION ON THE PIXELATED SCREEN. CONCENTRATION IS AN ESSENTIAL SKILL FOR BATTLE, AND ALSO FOR JUDGING HUMANS BASED ON THEIR VOCAL PERFORMANCE. 

**theladyflame** : sounds good minnie

 **theladyflame** : .... 

**theladyflame** : alright y’all I’m gonna get sappy real quick because everyone’s distracted by this ballad and the good good soup

 **theladyflame** : we all know the past year has had its ups and downs, and its _downs_ , and ik there’s still more to go, but we’ve made it through so much. I guess I just wanted to say thanks? for being there through all of it? it’s so important to have a family that you can rely on, not just during the easy times. I think we’ve found that. and I can just tell that things are gonna be okay. 

**theladyflame** : okay duck, I see you glaring at me. 

**theladyflame** : putting my phone away now. 

**theladyflame** : <3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ah, this was lovely to write, especially as a break from an angsty Pigeon fic. Thank you for reading!
> 
> I don’t know if I should continue this or let it be a oneshot, please let me know what you think! I have a couple ideas I could keep going with if people enjoyed this. Anyway, please please leave me a comment or come talk to me on my tumblr @sunshine-disaster! It was great to hear from you about my Hollis fic, and it really helps with motivation. Thank you!!


	2. I've been thinking about Apartment D...

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks to the people who suggested I continue this (shout-out to melancholystarlight and FemmeFeferikin), here's chapter two! I'm starting to figure out a bit more of a plot-like thing, so let me know how you feel about that. Thank you so much for reading!!

**theladyflame:** hey y’all, I’ve been thinking. 

**theladyflame:** there are four apartments in this complex, right? and between all of us, we only use three of them. 

**theladyflame:** see anything wrong with that math?

**C00LIC3:** no! math is for losers!

**theladyflame:** no jake, math is for cool kids, stay in school

**theladyflame:** but I was thinking… why don’t some of us move into apartment d?

**skaterboi:** NO

**skaterboi:** I mean no, I don’t think that’s a good idea

**Sharkesian:** Why not? I don’t know why we haven’t thought of it before, that’s a lot of space we’re not taking advantage of. 

**skaterboi:** Well. The thing is. Apartment D is… haunted. 

**skaterboi:** By, uh, rats. 

**skaterboi:** Just big nasty rats, with red eyes and sharp teeth. I saw one that was a foot tall, and five feet wide. It was—it was eating another smaller rat, too, which _I_ thought was weird. 

**skaterboi:** Also the rats smell really bad. Like, dumpster bad. Or cat pee. Or, uh, rotting grapes left out in the sun for two days. Yeah, exactly like that. Real nasty rats. 

**theladyflame:** … 

**Sharkesian:** So, that’s all a lie.

**bees??:** obviously.

**dani reVamped:** clearly.

**minnie mouse:** DUCK NEWTON, YOUR LACK OF SKILL IN DECEPTION SEEMS TO BE A RATHER GLARING OVERSIGHT IN MY TEACHINGS. 

**theladyflame:** duck? bud? what aren’t you telling us

**skaterboi:** There… is… _green mold??_

**theladyflame:** try again

**skaterboi:** F*CK

**skaterboi:** FINE

**skaterboi:** There are no huge stinky cannibalistic rats, that was a clever lie meant to fool you. 

**Squatch Boy:** So what’s up with Apartment D then?

**skaterboi:** okay, fine.

**skaterboi:** ineededaplacetoputmymodelships

**Sharkesian:** What?

**skaterboi:** I NEEDED a PLACE to put my MODEL SHIPS

**skaterboi:** I had to clear out the spare bedroom when y’all started crashing here, so they had to go but I didn’t want to throw them out, so I just used the place no one was staying

**skaterboi:** And then… I’m not used to living with other people… so sometimes I just had to have an hour or two to myself… so I’d go in there and take a nap or read some botanical magazines or work on my ships and it was nice and quiet and not chaotic

**dani reVamped:** is THAT where you’ve been disappearing to?? I thought you were skateboarding or looking at trees or whatever it is you do

**theladyflame:** duCK WHATEVER-YOUR-MIDDLE-NAME-IS NEWTON!!

**theladyflame:** i am shocked stunned and appalled 

**Sharkesian:** What I want to know is how the hell did you keep this a secret for so long? That’s not exactly one of your strengths

**skaterboi:** Well, no one asked me about it directly

**skaterboi:** And I would’ve gotten away with it too, if it weren’t for meddling @aubrey

**theladyflame:** don’t blame me for exposing your dirty secret

**C00LIC3:** i’ve had to share a room with MOIRA? when i could’ve been living it up in apartment d??

**C00LIC3:** no offense moira, but you are a really messy roommate

**Casper:** My hands just phase through when I try to clean up, it’s not my fault!

**C00LIC3:** yeah, that’s a handy excuse, except for the fact that you manage to stay corporeal enough to get it all disorganized in the first place

**Casper:** You can’t prove anything, Coolice

**skaterboi:** So, uh, what I’m getting is that I’m definitely allowed to keep using the space for my ships? Yes? Okay thx

**theladyflame:** not so fast, mister

**theladyflame:** we are all going to have a very civil complex discussion about who gets custody of precious apartment d

**skaterboi:** ughhhhhhhhh

**skaterboi:** Fine.

**Sharkesian:** Just got word; Sarah’s coming down for chosen club swordsmanship practice this afternoon. 

**minnie mouse:** EXCELLENT. I WILL NOT NAME NAMES BUT THERE ARE THOSE AMONG OUR RANKS WHO COULD DO TO IMPROVE THEIR FORM, DUCK NEWTON.

**skaterboi:** ……… 

**bees??:** hey, you’re _sure_ you don’t have room for one more? i think i could be a real asset

**Sharkesian:** Sorry Hollis, we’ve been over this. We’ve all got supernatural powers and wouldn’t want to hurt you by accident, especially with our chosen weapons. 

**skaterboi:** Plus, you already have a rebar club _and_ a baseball bat, you don’t need anything else. 

**bees??:** i ALSO want a sword!

**theladyflame:** maybe you can borrow snitch sometime

**bees??:** i will definitely take you up on that aubrey

**Squatch Boy:** BTW, whose turn is it on teaching-jake-to-drive duty?

**C00LIC3:** i’m ready to hit the ROAD!! license here i come!

**skaterboi:** Minerva, you sure you don’t want to learn too?

**minnie mouse:** I HAVE NO NEED FOR A PERMIT TO PILOT ONE OF YOUR EARTH-VEHICLES, I CAN TRAVEL MILES ON FOOT WITHOUT TIRING. 

**bees??:** i think that’s me today! aubrey was last. 

**C00LIC3:** let’s DO this holly

**theladyflame:** hollis, no sick stunts, he hasn’t even learned how to parallel park

**Sharkesian:** If you want, I can take this turn

**skaterboi:** Leo, I was with you at the telescope, you’re no better than they are

**Squatch Boy:** Is there anyone here who can be trusted with a car??

**theladyflame:** … 

**dani reVamped:** that’s a definite no, but jake really wants his license so we’ll have to do

**C00LIC3:** vroom VROOM

**bees??:** be there in 5

**theladyflame:** _bee_ there

**theladyflame:** I’m sorry

**C00LIC3:** aubrey i’m ashamed you should be using your bi pun powers for good not evil

**dani reVamped:** so, i’ve been thinking about apartment d… 

**theladyflame:** haven’t we all

**dani reVamped:** i’ve been thinking… it would make sense if us amnesty lodge folks moved in

**dani reVamped:** ‘cept barclay, he’s fine helping out mrs. pearson

**Squatch Boy:** Gee, thanks

**dani reVamped:** so maybe aubrey jake and i?

**theladyflame:** I like where your head’s at… but alternate proposition. you and _I_ move in, so there’s basically two people in every apartment. nice & even & fair

**dani reVamped:** ooh scandalous 

**skaterboi:** ALTERNATE proposition: You amnesty lodge folks sans Barclay move into Apartment D, and Minerva moves out of my second bedroom to stay with Leo. Then I can move my ships back in here.

**Sharkesian:** I guess that’d be alright, but does Jake really want to third-wheel with y’all?

**theladyflame:** he’s still out driving with his phone off he can’t say otherwise

**Casper:** And where do I fit into this scenario?

**dani reVamped:** oh CRAP moira sorry

**theladyflame:** maybe stay with mrs. pearson & barclay?? 

**Casper:** I guess? I think she still hasn’t gotten used to my incorporeal form quite yet

**minnie mouse:** THIS IS A FINE PROPOSITION. HOWEVER, I HAVE GROWN USED TO THE APARTMENT OF DUCK NEWTON. I BELIEVE I HAVE FORMED A BOND WITH HIS FELINE COMPANION. BESIDES, LEO’S TELEVISION SET IS NOT NEARLY AS HIGH-DEFINITION.

**dani reVamped:** okay it’s looking like this isn’t quite going to work out, we can think of something else

**bees??:** we back!

**Squatch Boy:** How did driving go, Jake?

**C00LIC3:** EPIC

**C00LIC3:** i did an intersection!! 

**bees??:** we nearly crashed into the pizza hut sign but he did good aprt from that!

**C00LIC3:** it’s already broken they wouldn’t have been too mad

**theladyflame:** yeah definitely, good job dude

**Squatch Boy:** Hollis, stick around for lunch, we’re having fettuccine alfredo and honey-roasted carrots

**bees??:** you read my mind 

**Sharkesian:** Hey hollis what do you have over there

**bees??:** A KNIFE

**Sharkesian:** No!!!

**theladyflame:** sorry, I let them borrow snitch as promised, they said they’d be careful

**skaterboi:** Keep them away from the cat, otherwise it’s fine

**C00LIC3:** thanks for lunch, boggy bill! 

**Squatch Boy:** You’re very welcome, Jake! But I’m not a fan of that nickname.

**C00LIC3:** i found a page full of other names for bigfoot so there’s plenty more where that came from, skunk ape

**dani reVamped:** old skunky bill

**C00LIC3:** stinkaboo

**Squatch Boy:** :(

**dani reVamped:** hey, where’s that music coming from?

**Casper:** Barclay found an old grand piano in Mrs. Pearson’s place! I’ve just been sight-reading some of the sheet music she had along with it. It’s pretty relaxing.

**skaterboi:** Well don’t stop on our account, this is much nicer than what Aubrey usually picks when it’s her turn on the Bluetooth

**theladyflame:** you just don’t understand the ART that is punk edm mixed with the prince of egypt soundtrack

**Casper:** Thank you, I’ll probably sound halfway decent after a little more practice!

**dani reVamped:** you already do! you’ve got a real talent, moira

**theladyflame:** hey wait a second

**theladyflame:** are you guys thinking what I’m thinking?

**minnie mouse:** HOW FASCINATING IT IS THAT MUSIC IS A UNIVERSAL CONCEPT FOUND ACROSS ALL DIMENSIONS OF TIME AND SPACE, CREATING A COMMON LANGUAGE WE CAN USE TO BRIDGE COMMUNICATION BARRIERS?

**C00LIC3:** that we should stART A BAND

**theladyflame:** no and no… apartment-wide talent show!!

**dani reVamped:** that’s a great idea aubrey!

**skaterboi:** Be honest aubs you just want an excuse to show off your magic tricks

**theladyflame:** it’s been so long… I barely remember how to pull off a glorpy or sympathetic aces

**skaterboi:** You have to be messing with us. There’s no way those are real things.

**theladyflame:** are too!

**theladyflame:** _I’m_ not the liar here, duck “apartment d is full of rats” newton

**Sharkesian:** I’d be happy to participate! 

**C00LIC3:** yeah yeah yeah that sounds fun and all dude but can we revisit my idea?? apartment band? I know drums!!

**skaterboi:** How is it possible that you can play the drums but don’t know how to drive? How have you possibly been prioritizing your time since you came over from Sylvain?? 

**C00LIC3:** don’t think about it too hard duck

**skaterboi:** Fair. Aubrey, I dunno if I want to be in this thing. Idk what I’d even do. 

**Squatch Boy:** I don’t know if I’m in either, performing in front of crowds isn’t really my thing.

**theladyflame:** okay, I’m sensing some reluctance. let’s make this thing more interesting. 

**theladyflame:** whoever wins the talent show… gets Apartment D.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I think I might be making Hollis too major a character here compared to canon, but consider this: I love them 
> 
> Thanks for reading/sharing, y'all are the best! Chapter 3 is actually already a lot done cuz I thought it would be part of chapter 2, so keep an eye out for that pretty soon. I'd love to hear any comments you might have, every single one on the last chapter made my day!! Thanks again!


	3. And the winner of the talent show is…

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Chapter three! Hope you all enjoy, this one's a bit longer than the others.

**theladyflame:** it’s a good idea, right? we can have judges and everything, and whoever wins the contest gets to move into the empty apartment! 

**skaterboi:** Okay, now I’m listening… 

**C00LIC3:** yall are going DOWN 

**minnie mouse:** AH, YOU INEPT HUMANS STAND NO CHANCE. I HAVE BEEN STUDYING THE ART OF VOCAL COMPETITION SINCE I HAVE ARRIVED AT THIS PLANET

**dani reVamped:** minerva we’ve watched every episode of the voice _together_

**minnie mouse:** AND YET I AM THE ONE WHO HAS MASTERED ITS TEACHINGS, DANI 

**minnie mouse:** … 

**minnie mouse:** I FEEL LIKE IT REALLY DAMPENS THE POWER OF MY WORDS WHEN I DO NOT HAVE A FULL NAME TO PROCLAIM DRAMATICALLY

**skaterboi:** I think it still works, don’t beat yourself up

**minnie mouse:** AH, THANK YOU, _DUCK NEWTON_

**Squatch Boy:** Okay, I’m in too, I think I could really use a break from Mrs. Pearson for a bit. 

**C00LIC3:** this’ll all take place in one night, right? so it’s all fresh in the judges’ minds

**theladyflame:** I can’t sit still through eight thirty-minute sets, I’d be bouncing off the walls

**C00LIC3:** how bout just two hours total

**C00LIC3:** so we’d each get like uh 18 ½ mins to perform?

**theladyflame:** that’s not how math works hon

**C00LIC3:** carry the two… yeah you’re right

**theladyflame:** if it was 2 hrs it’d be 15 mins each, which still seems a bit long

**Sharkesian:** Why don’t we just put a seven minute time limit on everyone?

**skaterboi:** I GUESS I can fit all my talent into those restraints

**dani reVamped:** (you don’t even know what you’re doing yet do you)

**skaterboi:** (no I don’t)

**Squatch Boy:** Who judges, though? Who could be impartial?

**bees??:** how about the hornets? we’ve got no stake in it

**theladyflame:** ooh, good idea hollis!

**Sharkesian:** Hold up, won’t all of Jake’s old pals be biased towards him?

**bees??:** no, i’d say the people who are friends with him are balanced out by the people who hate his guts

**bees??:** so if half hate him and half like him it’ll be fine

**theladyflame:** that’s also not how math works? should I be worried about you two? one too many extreme sport concussions maybe

**C00LIC3:** don’t worry about it, i’ll win this fair and square

**bees??:** I checked with the squad (shouted ‘y’all wanna judge a talent show’) and they are down (i heard a ‘why not!’)

**bees??:** that _might’ve_ just been keith’s sister

**theladyflame:** oh yeah, y’all have been staying with her since the dipper got wreckd right?

**bees??:** yup, it’s pretty crowded but we’re making it work

**bees??:** construction on the nest is underway, but it’s probably gonna take a while

**C00LIC3:** heyo question

**C00LIC3:** can we have theme songs or something?? like aub you’ve got that weird edm/prince of egypt

**C00LIC3:** i could have… ice ice baby

**theladyflame:** oh! hold up!

**theladyflame:** jake I know I said your name was too radical to change for this chat but that was partially a lie cuz I couldn’t think of a good pun or pop culture ref

**theladyflame:** so bud it’s either this or frozone

**C00LIC3:** GO for it my dude

**theladyflame** has changed “ **C00LIC3** ” to “ **ice ice baby** ”

**ice ice baby:** nICE

**ice ice baby:** (get it)

**theladyflame:** and _you_ scolded _me_ for my bad bee pun, hypocrite

**ice ice baby:** now there’s snow need for name calling!

**skaterboi:** I cannot handle more of this, but yes we’re definitely doing entrance music

**Casper:** I mean my whole act is piano-playing so that might me a bit redundant for me, but knock your socks off

**Sharkesian:** I don’t think that’s the right use of that phrase?

**skaterboi:** Did you mean ‘knock yourselves out??’

**Casper:** ...Yes

**ice ice baby:** i INTEND to knock EVERYONE’S socks off moira 

**dani reVamped:** same but uhh

**dani reVamped:** i don’t really know what my talent is gonna be

**dani reVamped:** could i be the assistant for your act @aubrey? i trust you to cut me in half

**theladyflame:** dani honey combining our powers wouldn’t be fair to the rest of these peasants **theladyflame:** (but of course you can stay with me once I wipe the floor with everyone)

**dani reVamped:** okay okay i’ll think of something to do

**skaterboi:** My go-to act would be ventriloquism with Beacon but I guess that gimmick wouldn’t fool y’all

**Sharkesian:** I’d love to see you try to convince him to play along though

**theladyflame:** wrangling beacon would be a true talent indeed

**bees??:** if you can get that grumpy sword to sing, duck, the apartment is yours

**skaterboi:** Finally, a truly impossible task

**ice ice baby:** hey holly got some updates from aubrey

**ice ice baby:** venue: apartment d, time: 7:30pm (but get here at 6, dinner first)

**ice ice baby:** …

**ice ice baby:** you there?

**bees??:** sorry, it’s HECTIC over here at keith’s sister’s

**bees??:** but sounds good

**ice ice baby:** _here_ everyone is running around singing or blasting music or lighting the apartment on fire, apparently ‘practicing’

**bees??:** not you though huh

**ice ice baby:** i’m a natural talent

**skaterboi:** Hey uh I feel like we’re ignoring the ‘lighting the apartment on fire’ bit?

**skaterboi:** I’m in my room *honing my skills* and I would rather my home still be there when I get out

**theladyflame:** jake’s exaggerating, the curtain barely got singed

**Squatch Boy:** Aubrey, no real magic in your act!! It has to be all sleight-of-hand mundane stuff. 

**theladyflame:** yeah yeah that’s fine, I don’t need magic to blow your socks away

**Sharkesian:** A lotta misuse of a common idiom today, I’m beginning to worry for future generations

**Sharkesian:** Maybe our next apartment shenanigans can be starting a book club!

**ice ice baby:** leo book clubs are like the polar opposites of shenanigans

**ice ice baby** : however i am in

**skaterboi:** Same here, but I would request we stick with non-fiction

**skaterboi:** I’d like to stay far away from the YA genre; those ‘chosen one’ narratives always hit a bit too close to home

**skaterboi:** Plus most of it just seems too far-fetched??

**Sharkesian:** I mean, speaking from experience, a lot of those books seem less fantastical when you have in fact protected New York City from supernatural threats for many many years

**Squatch Boy:** Also, you live with Bigfoot. So there’s that. 

**skaterboi:** Points taken. 

**bees??:** on our way over! 

**bees??:** keith went a bit overboard and made us matching judge t-shirts. 

**bees??:** i think bevin did the sewing, he’s really starting to improve

**theladyflame:** okay since it’s almost showtime I wanna go over a few things

**theladyflame:** I think we should be official about this and have contestants wait backstage until it’s their turn

**ice ice baby:** but i wanna know what’s happening!

**theladyflame:** don’t worry I’ll live-text it

**theladyflame:** it was my idea so i do get to watch it all unfold

**Squatch Boy:** Can’t argue with that… and I somehow feel like we _should_ have the talent show recorded on this group chat.

**Squatch Boy:** You know, for posterity.

**theladyflame:** welcome everyone to the talent show for apartment d, 2019!

**ice ice baby:** wooo

**theladyflame:** okay folks, first up: the inspiration for this event and everyone’s favorite specter, moira!!

**theladyflame:** she’s playing a beethoven piece; strong choice, or maybe just what mrs. pearson had lying around

**theladyflame:** bit of a stumbling block when her feet phased through the pedals, but good recovery… 

**theladyflame:** she’s hitting the black and white fast, the song is getting louder, and she’s swooshing her fingers down the keyboard! 

**theladyflame:** I wish I knew piano terms!

**theladyflame:** annnd a standing ovation. 

**Casper:** Thank you, thank you very much. 

**skaterboi:** I mean, we could definitely all hear you from the adjoining room where we’re sitting, so that was lovely moira!

**ice ice baby:** i was considering trash-talking everyone but that seems kinda mean now, ya did good

**minnie mouse:** AN ENJOYABLE PERFORMANCE INDEED. 

**bees??:** it is my sworn duty as a judge to remain impartial, but nicely done

**theladyflame:** up next… the breathtaking and sparkling thief of my heart, dani!

**theladyflame:** folks I think we have a clear winner, hard to beat this

**bees??:** aubrey she hasn’t started yet

**theladyflame:** shhh

**theladyflame:** and here she goes, taking out what looks to be a large sheet of paper and a pencil

**theladyflame:** she’s drawing… 

**theladyflame:** really fast! it’s coming along!!

**theladyflame:** wow! there you have it folks, an exquisite sketch of amnesty lodge done in a little under two minutes

**Casper:** I can confirm for those who don’t have a visual, it’s pretty stunning

**bees??:** pretty cool speed-drawing!

**theladyflame:** I do believe I’m up next

**dani reVamped:** what’s up pals it’s me dani, taking over for my beautiful gf while she astounds us all with mystical illusions

**dani reVamped:** for her first trick, she has pulled a flower out of her sleeve in a flash of fire!

**dani reVamped:** (after a good speech about ‘three thousand years ago on the banks of the nile…’) 

**dani reVamped:** everyone is loving it folks, i can tell

**dani reVamped:** If i hadn’t known better I’d say she really did use magic just then! but it was flash paper again. still neat.

**dani reVamped:** and for her grand finish… doctor harris bonkers phd!

**bees??:** it _is_ impressive how that was still incredible after having seen real magic

**theladyflame:** thank you hollis!

**theladyflame:** and thank you for taking over, dani. 

**theladyflame** : now back to our regularly-scheduled programming: we’re here with tall and buff and out-of-this-world minerva!

**theladyflame:** and she’s singing! 

**theladyflame:** r&b, i like her style

**theladyflame:** aw heck yeah that time spent watching the voice paid off

**dani reVamped:** i for one would press that spinny-chair button on her

**bees??:** minerva i would try and channel a mean-spirited voice judge but can’t bring myself to criticize anything about that

**skaterboi:** You have a great voice, Minerva!

**skaterboi:** (Again, these walls are really thin)

**minnie mouse:** THANK YOU FOR YOUR COMPLIMENTS, FRIENDS!

**theladyflame:** now, here comes everyone’s favorite seal boi, jake coolice!

**theladyflame:** annnd he’s done a backflip

**theladyflame:** a front flip

**theladyflame:** it’s looking like a lot of flips, folks

**theladyflame:** and also a one-handed handstand! damn!

**dani reVamped:** these are some pretty sweet stunts

**bees??:** yes, and as fellow lovers of sweet stunts, we hornets appreciate the performance

**ice ice baby:** i knew you would, i’m a talent

**theladyflame:** and who’s this?? why, it’s park ranger and bombom-slayer, duck newton!

**theladyflame:** okay, duck is moving his tv into the room, intriguing… 

**theladyflame:** he’s getting something set up on the monitor… 

**theladyflame:** it’s. it’s tony hawk pro skater 2. 

**theladyflame:** I honestly don’t know what I expected

**theladyflame:** he has. played three levels so far. I think he’s doing well?

**theladyflame:** cool uh, ‘boneless?’ ‘stalefish?’ rad ‘melon?’

**theladyflame:** what even are these terms

**theladyflame:** annnd he’s done. 

**bees??:** i gotta say, the judges… don’t really know what to do with that

**skaterboi:** It was either this, playing the trombone, or reciting botanical facts at y’all! What do you want from me!!!

**skaterboi:** I got a near perfect score!

**ice ice baby:** sorry you had to follow up my sick stunts with your virtual stunts bud

**Casper:** Hey Duck, what was that theme music you had playing?

**skaterboi:** It’s save 2 4 tony by brian david gilbert, it’s a masterpiece 

**theladyflame:** okay, moving on…

**theladyflame:** now we have former defender of nyc and current friendly local grocer, leo tarkesian!

**theladyflame:** he’s got his broadsword out, swinging it around

**theladyflame:** strong start, strong start

**theladyflame:** holy heck that’s pretty cool

**Squatch Boy:** Hey Aubrey, I still don’t have visuals, care to elaborate on your commentary

**theladyflame:** I sure do barclay, leo is doing some epic sword tricks. quite a lot of stunts here tonight. 

**bees??:** _i_ for one am enjoying the abundance of stunts

**Sharkesian:** I mean, I have been practicing for many many years, seemed like the thing to do. I’m glad Duck or Minerva didn’t have the same idea, I’d have felt pretty foolish.

**skaterboi:** I thought we went over beacon’s reluctance to participate

**minnie mouse:** AND I WANTED TO GIVE YOU ALL A SLIM CHANCE, OUT OF THE KINDNESS OF MY HEART.

**theladyflame:** and now, last but not least, we have awesome chef and literal bigfoot, barclay!

**Squatch Boy:** Okay, before I come out and show my talent, I have a quick question for the judges

**Squatch Boy:** Performing in front of people isn’t really my thing, so this isn’t a performance as much as it is… dessert

**bees??:** we’ll allow it!!

**ice ice baby:** (barclay is there enough for all of us or just the judges)

**Squatch Boy:** I know my audience Jake, I made plenty

**Sharkesian:** Your baking truly is a talent, Barclay

**theladyflame:** I don’t really need to commentate anymore cuz we’re all here, but I _would_ like to state for the record that this is the best pie I have ever had. 

**skaterboi:** Agreed.

**bees??:** yeah, pretty darn delicious

**bees??:** alright, we judges are going to go into the other room and deliberate 

**ice ice baby:** (aubrey i swear to god if you say deliBEErate this friendship is over)

**theladyflame:** (that didn’t even occur to me but I’m very proud of you for catching it)

**ice ice baby:** (aww thx)

**bees??:** uh huh, and once we’re done with that, we’re gonna announce the winner on this chat!

**bees??:** because

**bees??:** well

**Squatch Boy:** (For posterity.)

**bees??:** for posterity!

**skaterboi:** Sounds legit to me! We eagerly await your verdict

**bees??:** okay, the hornets have decided. 

**bees??:** the winner of the apartment d talent show of 2019 is….

**bees??:** aubrey little! aka the lady flame!

**theladyflame:** _my longest YEAH BOI ever!!!_

**dani reVamped:** !!!! nice going babe!

**ice ice baby:** not that i’m disagreeing cuz aubrey definitely is a talent, but uh what was your criteria holly

**bees??:** well, she had a strong stage presence, she clearly knows what she’s doing. and that part with the bending spoon was pretty darn cool.

**bees??:** and this wasn’t really a factor but it _was_ one of the more traditional talent-show acts

**ice ice baby:** alright alright, fair

**skaterboi:** But like… I got second right

**bees??:** no comment

**Sharkesian:** Congrats, Aubrey!

**Squatch Boy:** Yeah, nicely done!

**minnie mouse:** YOU WERE A FORMIDABLE OPPONENT, I ACCEPT YOUR VICTORY WITH GRACE

**bees??:** okay! well, this was real fun, but we should probably be getting back. it takes a real long time to get ready for bed when you’re bumping elbows with everyone all the time. plus the line for the bathroom… 

**bees??:** and i guess we should clear out so you can start moving your stuff in here, right?

**skaterboi:** Yeah, I suppose it’s time to find another home for my model ships… 

**theladyflame:** … 

**theladyflame:** hollis, is the living sitch over at keith’s sister’s really that bad?

**bees??:** i mean it’s not ideal but it’s livable, why?

**theladyflame:** aadsfasdfjk 

**theladyflame:** okay

**theladyflame:** I can’t believe I’m saying this but… if you wanted… I could forfeit my winnings of apartment d over to all of you. 

**theladyflame:** as in, you could come live here.

**bees??:** really? you’d do that?

**skaterboi:** It _would_ justify hollis’s place in this ‘apartment’ group chat… 

**Sharkesian:** Yeah but does this mean we would have to add every member of the Hornets, too? I may have defended NYC from monsters for half my life, but I don’t know if I am equipped to handle that text chain

**theladyflame:** yeah and keith isn’t getting a spot, I’m putting my foot down

**bees??:** well, i can remain the sole hornet representative if need be

**theladyflame:** (if need BEE)

**ice ice baby:** auBREY WHAT DID I SAY

**theladyflame:** ily 2 jake

**bees??:** but that aside, this sounds great

**bees??:** i just talked to everyone, and they honestly seem relieved to leave the old place. plus our ranks aren’t as large as they used to be, so i think we’ll def fit

**ice ice baby:** we can do sleepovers if necessary, or split y’all up throughout the apartments? no need to confine yourselves to the one space. 

**bees??:** we’re still gonna work on rebuilding the hornet’s nest over time, but for now this seems like a good solution

**bees??:** if this _is_ okay with everyone here?

**Casper:** We’d be glad to have you. 

**minnie mouse:** I WOULD BE DELIGHTED TO HAVE MORE BATTLE-MINDED PUPILS TO TUTOR.

**dani reVamped:** no complaints here

**Squatch Boy:** The more the merrier!

**bees??:** i guess it’s settled then

**bees??:** we’re moving in!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I pictured the dramatic amnesty theme pause before “we’re moving in!” so please imagine it thus.
> 
> I got inspo for jake’s new nickname from @waking-story’s reply to a post on tumblr. Hope the change isn’t too confusing but I think I like it better. (Also, while we're on jake, I'm so delighted by his form reveal; just good good content!)
> 
> Thank you all so much for reading/sharing!! The comments on this are always lovely, and it warms my heart to hear what you think of it, or a favorite line, or anything! Keep being great!!


	4. keith does *not* get a place in the chat

**minnie mouse:** Hello all!

**minnie mouse:** A kind soul from the Hornets has helped me to figure out my locked capitals! This new arrangement is quite suitable. 

**theladyflame:** this is _so_ unnerving minnie

**ice ice baby:** (it’s unminerving)

**skaterboi:** Put it back put it back put it back!!

**minnie mouse:** You would rather I retained the “caps lock?,” Duck Newton?

**skaterboi:** Yes, please, I’ve gotten used to it

**minnie mouse:** IF YOU INSIST!

**Sharkesian:** Oh thank god.

**Sharkesian:** My world was turned upside-down for a second there.

**minnie mouse:** WE ARE BACK TO NORMAL! APOLOGIES TO KEITH FOR NOT EMPLOYING HIS EXPERTISE FOR LONGER.

**theladyflame:** of _course_ it was keith, comin in and messing things up

**bees??:** now, aubrey 

**bees??:** we all live together, you should learn to be nicer to my lieutenant

**bees??:** maybe going so far as to give him a place in the group chat…? 

**theladyflame:** only if he EARNS one

**theladyflame:** which will never happen because none of us like him

**skaterboi:** Nah it’s literally just you

**ice ice baby:** yeah we’ve had some beef but i can admire his stunts

**Casper:** Keith seems cool?

**minnie mouse:** HE WAS VERY HELPFUL!

**theladyflame:** you’ve all been hoodwinked

**theladyflame:** his stunts aren’t even that good I watched him crash into a tree once

**skaterboi:** He just saw the Mothman give him a break

**theladyflame:** yeah! and cuz of that, he spooked your bf off! you of all people shouldn’t like him

**skaterboi:** Pretty sure that was because of the kidnapping via goatmen

**skaterboi:** Also I did punch him in the face and tell him to fly away… 

**Squatch Boy:** …Moving on. Y’all, I’m feeling a bit under the weather, and I don’t think you want me germing up your food in the kitchen. 

**Squatch Boy:** I was planning on a meatless beef wellington for dinner—Do you think you can handle it, or should I get Leo to order some takeout? 

**dani reVamped:** barclay i’m surprised at your low opinion of our competence! we’ve got the hornets to help and everything

**bees??:** with our powers combined… we can definitely handle _one_ meal

**ice ice baby:** get better soon barcly!!

**Squatch Boy:** Okay, I trust you, but please don’t burn down the building

**skaterboi:** Hey, would y’all hornets turn it down a notch or two? It’s great having you around and all, but I am trying to concentrate

**bees??:** are we interrupting your tony hawk pro skater 2 time duck

**skaterboi:** I’ll have you know I’m doing very important… tree zone… work

theladyflame: hollis he’s lying he’s on level 38

**skaterboi:** F*CK!

**bees??:** it’s fine, if we’re bothering you we can go out for a ride

**bees??:** i’ll rally the troops, there’s some trails we’ve been meaning to check out in the monongahela

**bees??:** hey jake, do you feel like coming?

**ice ice baby:** … really?

**bees??:** yeah! you’ve got sweet stunts for days, right?

**ice ice baby:** yeah, i just… it’s been a long time

**bees??:** i know

**bees??:** but we’d love to have you if you’d want to come

**ice ice baby:** i really would, i’ll be right out

**theladyflame:** …

**theladyflame:** gang we just witnessed a very touching moment

**skaterboi:** Go have fun with your sick stunts, don’t come back too late or we’ll have to make (and eat!!) dinner without you

**ice ice baby:** wouldn’t miss it! have fun with your _virtual_ stunts duck

**bees??:** okay everyone don’t panic but a tick crawled onto one of the hornets while we were in the woods, we caught it unattached but just keep an eye out

**skaterboi:** This is why you always have to do tick checks after being in the woods! Check your clothing too—and it’s always good to take a shower within two hours of coming inside. No lyme disease in this household!

**dani reVamped:** thanks mr. ranger

**ice ice baby:** yeah, it was a real tick in the keith

**ice ice baby:** get it

**ice ice baby:** like kick in the teeth

**theladyflame:** jake I got it and I loved it

**bees??:** or do you just love that keith found a tick?

**theladyflame:** no and I’m glad he caught it right away

**theladyflame:** is what I _would_ say if I cared about keith which I do not

**dani reVamped:** babe i thought we were all friends now

**theladyflame:** okay okay that was mean

**theladyflame:** I’m not not happy that keith’s okay

**bees??:** yknow aubrey you just might be right about not adding him to this chat

**ice ice baby:** okay everybody buckle up 

**ice ice baby:** it’s meme time

**ice ice baby:** CREEPER

**skaterboi:**????

**ice ice baby:** CREEPER

**theladyflame:** awwwwww man

**bees??:** so we back in the mine, got our pickaxe swinging from

**ice ice baby:** side

**theladyflame:** to

**Sharkesian:** What is this?

**dani reVamped:** side

**theladyflame:** LEO NO

**theladyflame:** okay

**theladyflame:** CREEPER

**dani reVamped:** AW MAN

**Squatch Boy:** Do I even want to know?

**minnie mouse:** IS THIS ANOTHER OF YOUR EARTH CUSTOMS? A POPULAR CULTURE REFERENCE, PERHAPS?

**theladyflame:** okay everyone who isn’t a millennial be quiet and let us meme

**bees??:** creeper, aw man!

**dani reVamped:** so we back in the mine

**theladyflame** : got our pickaxe swinging

**ice ice baby:** So we back in the mine, got our pickaxe swingin' from side to side, side, side to side

This task a grueling one, hope to find some diamonds tonight, night, night, diamonds tonight

Heads up

You hear a sound, turn around and look up

Total shock fills your body

Oh no it's you again, I can never forget those eyes, eyes, eyes, eyes, eyes, eyes

**theladyflame:** …

**theladyflame:** jake that’s cheating

**bees??:** did you just copy-paste the whole verse

**ice ice baby:** ...maybe 

**dani reVamped:** okay we’re done

**Squatch Boy:** Go put that effort into making dinner you lot

**ice ice baby:** fineee

**bees??:** heyo, this is Keith on Hollis’s phone! they let me borrow it so I could tell y’all that we didn’t _exactly_ burn down the kitchen, but we would really appreciate Aubrey coming in here and maybe working her magic to make it less on fire?

**Squatch Boy:** I had literally one request?? 

**theladyflame:** yes, fine, I will come rescue you from your incompetence

**bees??:** okay, if you would hurry that’d be great!

**ice ice baby:** i blame bevin, pretty sure he put too much salt into the pastry

**Sharkesian:** Which made it _on fire!?_

**ice ice baby:** i mean… probably

**Squatch Boy:** …

**Squatch Boy:** So what’s the damage?

**dani reVamped:** the good news… everyone’s okay and the kitchen’s intact

**dani reVamped:** the bad news… the beef wellington has gone right on back to chicago

**ice ice baby:** charcago

**ice ice baby:** chichargo?

**ice ice baby:** what i’m trying to say is it’s burnt to a crisp

**bees??:** (this is hollis again) i would like to point out that keith managed to salvage the dessert which was pretty cool of him

**theladyflame:** I guess… 

**bees??:** so, was _that_ enough to earn him a place in the group chat?

**bees??:** from a near brush with lyme disease to almost burning his eyebrows off trying to cook dinner, he’s had a rough day

**theladyflame:** okay, you’re right, he shouldn’t have to be stealing your phone all the time. that’s not fair to you.

**theladyflame:** here we go… 

**theladyflame** added **The Worst™** to the chat

**The Worst™:** hey!! c’mon, I thought we were buds now

**bees??:** aubrey, i thought this was a gesture of good will… 

**theladyflame:** okay, fine, fine.

**theladyflame** changed **The Worst™** to **kieth ig**

**kieth ig:** it’s—

**kieth ig:** it’s keith

**ice ice baby:** i before e, bro

**theladyflame:** ^^^^

**kieth ig:** except in my name it’s e then i, like neighbor or weird

**theladyflame:** well you are both of those things now so

**theladyflame** changed **kieth ig** to **keieth**

**keieth:** well?

**keieth:** a bit off still

**bees??:** what about Lt. Keith?

**dani reVamped:** or… keef

**theladyflame:** okay final offer:

**theladyflame** changed **keieth** to **keef**

**theladyflame:** wait

**theladyflame** changed **keef** to **keef wellington**

**theladyflame:** how’s that?

**keef wellington:** this…… is fine

**theladyflame:** eh I can always change it later

**keef wellington:** thanks for having me tho! it’ll make things easier

**skaterboi:** Glad we got that figured out, welcome to the chat!

**skaterboi:** Now would somebody PLEASE order takeout I’m starving

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> As always, I'd love it if you left a comment! You guys always say such sweet things, it warms my heart. Thank you for reading/sharing! (Also, shout-out to Ash for coming up with keef/keef wellington, and Vee for suggesting I do the "creeper aw man" meme. Y'all are the best!)


End file.
